As most of you already know, programmers are a funny kind of wild animal. No one really understands them. Things that make perfect sense for them don’t for anyone else. But they are a necessity. However, the biggest problem you might have is when you need to replace one with another.
That transition is never smooth. If you are lucky, it may not be too painful, but it will consume some time, energy and nerves. The key to easing this process is having clean and well-commented code. Comments are left in code so that programmers can easily navigate and spend less time searching around. Sometimes, these comments left in code are pure gems…
If Rick Astley Were a Coder
* For the brave souls who get this far: You are the chosen ones, * the valiant knights of programming who toil away, without rest, * fixing our most awful code. To you, true saviors, kings of men, * I say this: never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, * never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, * never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. */
Message Into the Future
// Dear maintainer: // // Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine, // and have realized what a terrible mistake that was, // please increment the following counter as a warning // to the next guy: // // total_hours_wasted_here = 42 //
Common Problems With Memory…
// When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing // Now, God only knows.
Get the Party Started…
stop(); // Hammertime!
Dedications…
// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will // have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets // released into the public.
Temporary Fix…
// somedev1 - 6/7/02 Adding temporary tracking of Login screen // somedev2 - 5/22/07 Temporary my ass.
Everyday Life Situations…
// drunk, fix later
Being Sorry in Advance…
// I'm sorry.
Harsh Truths…
/* * You may think you know what the following code does. * But you dont. Trust me. * Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless * night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever * enough to "optimize" the code below. * Now close this file and go play with something else. */
The Most Amazing Rant Ever
// At this point, I'd like to take a moment to speak to you about the Adobe PSD // format. PSD is not a good format. PSD is not even a bad format. Calling it // such would be an insult to other bad formats, such as PCX or JPEG. No, PSD // is an abysmal format. Having worked on this code for several weeks now, my // hate for PSD has grown to a raging fire that burns with the fierce passion // of a million suns. // // If there are two different ways of doing something, PSD will do both, in // different places. It will then make up three more ways no sane human would // think of, and do those too. PSD makes inconsistency an art form. Why, for // instance, did it suddenly decide that *these* particular chunks should be // aligned to four bytes, and that this alignement should *not* be included in // the size? Other chunks in other places are either unaligned, or aligned with // the alignment included in the size. Here, though, it is not included. Either // one of these three behaviours would be fine. A sane format would pick one. // PSD, of course, uses all three, and more. // // Trying to get data out of a PSD file is like trying to find something in the // attic of your eccentric old uncle who died in a freak freshwater shark // attack on his 58th birthday. That last detail may not be important for the // purposes of the simile, but at this point I am spending a lot of time // imagining amusing fates for the people responsible for this Rube Goldberg of // a file format. // // Earlier, I tried to get a hold of the latest specs for the PSD file format. // To do this, I had to apply to them for permission to apply to them to have // them consider sending me this sacred tome. This would have involved faxing // them a copy of some document or other, probably signed in blood. I can only // imagine that they make this process so difficult because they are intensely // ashamed of having created this abomination. I was naturally not gullible // enough to go through with this procedure, but if I had done so, I would have // printed out every single page of the spec, and set them all on fire. Were it // within my power, I would gather every single copy of those specs, and launch // them on a spaceship directly into the sun. // // PSD is not my favourite file format.
Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned
// If this comment is removed the program will blow up
Honesty Is Also Important…
// I am not sure if we need this, but too scared to delete.
Scary Assumptions…
// hack for ie browser (assuming that ie is a browser)
Religious Moments…
last = first; /* Biblical reference */
Final Fixes…
/* This isn't the right way to deal with this, but today is my last day, Ron just spilled coffee on my desk, and I'm hungry, so this will have to do... */ return 12; // 12 is my lucky number
Important Life Lessons
/* Mark: If there's one thing you learn from this code, it is this... Never, ever fly Air France. Their customer service is absolutely the worst. I've never heard the words "That's not my problem" as many times as I have from their staff -- It should, without doubt be their corporate motto if it isn't already. Don't bother giving them business because you're just a pain in their side and they will be sure to let you know the first time you speak to them. If you ever want to make me happy just tell me that you, too, will never fly Air France again either (in spite of their excellent cuisine). Update by oej: The merger with KLM has transferred this behaviour to KLM as well. Don't bother giving them business either... Only if you want to travel randomly without luggage, you might pick either of them. */
Conditional Credits
// If this code works, it was written by Paul DiLascia. If not, I don't know // who wrote it
Important Warning For General Population
/* NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION */
And a Conclusion…
// I have to find a better job
Quick Facts: Amazing since 1985. Online since 1995. Fanatically devoted to work and friends. Communicates in Serbian or English, but if needed can switch to Russian as well. Understands a thing or two in German, Italian, French and Spanish if in life-or-death situation. Has more true friends than fingers. Believes work hours are for pussies. Knows a ton of computer related abbreviations and isn’t afraid to use them. Won’t talk about problems. Will solve them. Makes a difference. Anywhere. All the time.
Manifesto: Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. ~ Samuel Beckett
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